“did you ever hear about the girl who lives in delusion? break-ups happen every day you don’t have to lose it” – right where you left me by taylor swift (the loml) inactivity per usual but i’m FINALLY coming out of my spiral era to update that I (drum roll please) ended my relationship! yay! it was honestly one the hardest decisions i’ve ever had to make and it was really scary and overwhelming but like lorde says, “when you’ve outgrown a lover the whole world knows but you. it’s time to let go of this endless summer afternoon.” I’ve learned more about myself in the past 6 months than i did in the years we were together. when it got hard and unbearable i would take a shot (tito’s u already know me) and remind myself it was the right thing. break-ups suck, the constant ungluing yourself from another person, the anger hurt and betrayal, the rejection the longing literally all of it is probably one of the most complex emotional experiences we go through (was licherally horrible for me but boy oh BOY have I been writing my best music ever) grieving someone that’s still alive, and grieving the person you were when you were with them. but that’s what it is right? growing and growing up comes from those uncomfortable icky situations i’m finally healed-ish (and healing more everyday that passes) when i was complaining to my therapist danica (WE LOVE DANICA AN ANGEL SENT FROM HEAVEN) I kept talking about time. everyone always say’s “just give it time. time heals” and that made me so MAD every time because when time was passing at the very beginning i was like OK??? HELLO??? where is my healing and why can’t it come faster. she said something really profound that stuck with me, “time doesn’t heal shit” and i said so true danica. so i just made it through the days, did things that i enjoyed, talked to friends, went to clubs, went out! and i slowly started to recenter and come back to the person i was missing, come back to myself. and eventually the sting started to fade.
i think things like this, scars like this, we carry forever. but i’m not scared of that anymore. it’s just another part of me, just like all the things i love. i’m really grateful for it actually. i hope that someday i can see it for what it was and not for what it wasn’t. it was sad, beautiful, tragic (lets see how many taylor swift songs i can quote) two things can be true at once you know? these memories can ebb and flow and just because it fades doesn’t mean it wasn’t important or didn’t matter. it did. it really did.
i used to be so afraid of time. i was so scared i would never be ready. I would never be sure of who i was. i would never be the person they wanted me to be. but now that i’m alone, i have all the time in the world.
OH YEAH AND PRE-SAVE TRAGEDY IT’S THE BEST SONG TO EVER EXIST IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE
erastemusic.com 